How do you really become humble?
How do you know if you have become humble?
Isn't becoming humble something you shouldn't know that you have become?
So many times in the last few weeks I have had the instructions come across my life that are telling me to be humble.
I look at the piles of laundry on my bed to fold and I'm humbled.
I receive more clothes from my friends for my kids and I'm humbled.
I spend time with caregivers of family and I am humbled.
I watch my husband work to provide for us and I am humbled.
I look at what I've written here and I see the word "I" far to often.\ That's not humbling.
It seems so proud to have a blog that I share with the world so that I can simply poor out my inner Voice.
It feels good to talk to a screen space that's white and blank.
It feels good to type the words in my head and watch them dance straight across the screen into the world.
My words long to pour out of my finger tips. They are itching to cover that blank screen.
How can you wish for the world to hear your inner Voice and remain humble? I looked up the word humble on Google.
Let's talk about humble as a verb. I'm going to do it for you right now....
Tonight I have been working. I have been doing a few calls and I fed my kids pizza because that's what they wanted. That's not bad at all...right? Then, my husband came home and I went downstairs. I could feel myself tense up. I was glad to see him but the Dave Ramsey came out in him..."why'd you buy pizza?" he asked. Because I've been working until just now and I figured I'd be a good mom and feed them something. Then, I asked..."Did you call that customer you were supposed to last night?" His answer was "No" so I started....the result in me explaining why it was important to call resulted in a few exchanges of harsh words and bam...I did it. Like a 2 year old I threw a cup of milk at a his head. I seriously wanted it to hit him. I mean, something inside me wanted him to wear that cup of milk I was holding and it did't stop there, I wanted him to wear that class of ice water on the table. So, I ran up stairs and locked myself in the room for a good cry. I've just humiliated myself. I just demeaned myself and tarnished the good girl reputation I was so proud of. I just did it. I just told you all about it and I am so ashamed.
I'm hot headed and spontaneous sometimes and I do not like that side of myself. My anger rises so fast that I can't control it. I react. Words don't hurt my husband...not sure anything does. What I really want sometimes is for my hurt and anger to just exit me and go ahead and fill the room. I want to rage and let it out. I want to turn a table over. Then after that monster is done, I feel so ashamed. Where does that come from? How can I do better? This isn't me and it is definitely not the me I want to be.
The problem comes with pride. I have been proud and it hurts when my faults are pointed out.
I have not been humble. Everything is always about me.
I'll clean up the milk tomorrow.
I won't be able to erase my mistake.
I won't be able to take it back.
I want to stop saying "I" so much. Even "I" am tired of "me".
Oh my sweet God in Heaven, please help me.