Dreams...those pesky reoccurring ones!
Before James and I got married, I lived in "our" apartment by myself which belonged to my parents and was behind their house. It was small, one bedroom with a living room, kitchen, tiny bathroom and high ceilings. It wasn't much but we loved that we had a nice place to stay while we house hunted, while James finished college and while we planned our family. After 6 months of being married we got pregnant and started planning to build a home instead of buying. Building while pregnant is stressful, very! Plus, James was finishing college and I was teaching 1st grade two counties away.
Still, I have this dream and I don't know why. I dream that we are either married and aren't allowed to live together by my parents, or aren't married and aren't allowed to live together or like this last one, married but don't have a house so we are living in the apartment but it's much nicer and attached to the actual apartment, meaning that it's an addition too the old one.
So last night, I had this dream again and there is always this resentment I feel towards my parents in these dreams, like they are holding me back or something. It's weird. I suppose it's because we were married before we lived together and that is VERY uncommon these days and also because we had waited SO long to be married, playing our "cards right." When all we cared about was doing what we thought was right...getting through college before getting married so that we might have a secure future. Only neither one of is is currently using our education. I will eventually, but I'm going back to school for my Masters anyway.
This is the picture I kept seeing in my dream...I found something similar online to show you.
The new addition to the old apartment was stark white with perfect white walls and then had these beautiful wooden beams like these
Everything was white and clean and new.
What is the significance of these dreams. I don't know. I dream I'm angry because we are married with children and my parents won't let us be together. I dream it all of the time. I guess it goes to show you just how much I love my husband though. or how much control my parents had that I might still resent, that my choices where made for me.
We started dating 17 years ago on September 20th. That's what we've always celebrated. We've been married 8 years and have 3 beautiful children and I wouldn't change it for the world. I may make choices but when I look back in time at my life, I'm getting farther and farther from the moments that defined my life...that chiseled my life. They are permant, can't be changed and they are memories that will one day be lost and forgotten and of no importance to later generations.
It makes me wonder if my future really is already decided for me, if I have a choice really? Or is my future neatly mapped out and everything that happens in my life happens for a reason, everything I choose to do was already known. It is my faith that one day I'll know these answers, but it is also my faith that it won't matter. My family will always be my family, we are connected by something deeper than just blood, we are connected by love and something more special. "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...when we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory." That may just be lyrics from a song and not scripture but it's true.
So, why the reoccurring dreams about my past and that isn't my past? They are more like a reflection in the water...ripples make the past look different than it was but the bigger picture is still there. I don't know...but these dreams are almost so reoccurring, they are haunting me.